Things Can Suck A Little Less
It’s 1:20pm and I sitting in a cafe enjoying a nice cup of coffee and glass of water. It’s rainy here today in Halifax, Nova Scotia - which makes me want to just drown in my own depression. Truth is, sometimes it’s much easier to drown in your own depression and not work to make it better. Sometimes that’s what we need, to just drown in it…But to make sure we catch ourselves before we run out of air.
It can be challenging while in a relationship and dealing with clinical depression and anxiety. No partner wants to see the person they love drowning, and I don’t think we should rely on anyone to save us from drowning. That’s a lot to take on, and it usually ends up hurting the both of us.
Last night I was drowning. I started a new antidepressant after 8 years so my feelings have been all over the place. But me being the stubborn person I am, I kept telling Kylee(my partner) that I’m okay. The thing is, just because we say we are okay, doesn’t mean we’re actually okay. And if you have a partner like mine, they’ll know you’re not telling the truth right away. Me trying to pretend I was okay turned into me becoming irritated and defensive. I wasn’t happy, so of course I couldn’t make her happy. I know this! I talk about this in my speeches! I read books on this! so why can’t I practice what I preach?!?
I was extremely hard on myself last night. This turned into me being hard on her, which made me be even harder on myself.
This morning we went to the beach and it was beautiful. There was one moment at the beach where I was the happiest I’ve been in years. I looked out at the ocean, then looked back at Kylee as she was taking my photo and I was reminded of how amazing it is to be alive. I was reminded of how amazing it is to be loved. I’m convinced that this moment was true heaven on Earth.
Mental illness sucks, yes. But when you surround yourself with people who love you, and make a conscious effort to become a better person. Each and every day it will suck a little less.
I know it’s not easy,
but we got this,
as long as we got love.